Question: What qualifies one to be a Jew both ethnically and religiously? Has it always been so? (From Jacob/Israel to now). The Old Testament (in part) uses a patriarchal (the male side) genealogy to substantiate parentage. Paul of Tarsus was considered a Jew , yet had a non-Jew parent [Editors note: this is not clear- the only source is apparently the Greek Scriptures, and Paul's writings which can be questioned. It is possible either that Paul's parents converted, or that Paul did. Tarsus was a very non-Jewish area]. I've read that a Jewish mother qualifies the children as Jewish for religious purposes. Please edify me as regards this topic.
Sometime ago I had the privilege of responding to a very similar query. I believe that response (below) may serve as an entry point to this discussion.
Few topics generate more controversy for the “organized” Jewish community – misplaced energy or not, by which I mean, there may be more pressing challenges to and in Jewish life – than the matter of who is or is not a Jew.
While all authorities likely would agree only that the argument is about a minimalist criterion for inclusion in the community, that does not diminish the intensity of the different positions, even as the points of view are an expression of the integrity of the various movements (Orthodox, Conservative, etc.) themselves.
The present writer, as part of the Reform community, has long subscribed to the insistence that biology is not destiny, meaning that conviction and commitment are essential elements to a genuine embrace of a religious, tribal or ethnic identity. That said, our community accepts persons who have (at least) one Jewish parent (mother or father) and, here the crucial part, choose to live as Jews. Nonetheless, with regard to individuals who will be perceived by others as not legitimately Jewish (i.e. patrilineal descent only), we encourage them to recognize that as a reality, one that comes with no shortage of challenges.
In some cases, therefore, individuals who understand themselves as already belonging to Jewish life may choose to have a conversion ceremony, albeit the auspices under which that is undertaken are another one of the controversies that are a too prominent part of the contemporary Jewish scene.
To the question at hand, then, Reform Judaism acknowledges as a legitimate part of Jewish life someone who has at least one Jewish parent and chooses to live as a Jew. or, equally, an individual who converts to Judaism.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: I am a non-denominationally affiliated Jew. I am not frum, but I am constantly working on observing more mitzvot and find myself enjoying different things about Reform, Conservative, and Orthodox communities. I want to know what the stance would be on me wearing a tallit katan. Up until this point I have not because I feel like it would be misrepresenting myself (I already wear a kippah and that alone often leads people to think i'm Hareidi even). It is not that I am offended by being seen as Orthodox, quite the opposite - I don't think I deserve to be viewed as that observant when I am not. I do not want to do something akin to chillul Hashem (or rather.... hillul frum communities? if that makes sense?) if I were ever to do something not-frum while donning them. However on the other hand I hold a firm belief that the mitzvot are not dependent on each other, and that every little step is progress. I also think that if a mitzvah or custom is going to make me better and has a meaningful significance to me, then it is appropriate to observe it. What are your thoughts, either on the points I mentioned, or new points all together in regards to a more "liberal" Jew wearing a tallit katan? Thank you for your time and knowledge.
To echo the instruction in Pirkei Avot (Sayings of the Sages), one mitzvah may engender another and another. And if our tradition is, as a colleague suggests, a lifelong course in finding deity in every activity, I applaud your "experimenting" with this mitzvah, as well your sensitivity that your practice, or lack thereof, may create some confusion for observers and distress or anger for the observant.
Nonetheless, as part of liberal Judaism, I appreciate and encourage your efforts to explore kedushah/holiness in every activity. You may know the story linked to Franz Rosenzweig, who was once asked if he "laid tefillin." His supposed response seems of the moment. "Not yet," he said.
The overwhelming majority of American Jews may well have the same response. I, for one, am delighted that you are pushing your own boundaries and are aware that undertaking may have consequences, including negative ones, for others. More strength and mitzvot to you.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: I am Orthodox, and an artist. From time to time I go into Churches, not during services, to admire the art and architecture. I have no desire for any other religion, but know the Talmud in Avodah Zarah 17b says a Jew should not even go past the doors of a pagan temple. What is the leeway halachically and from a values point of view?
In response to this query, certain facts – how rare that circumstance – are clear and indisputable. First, Jewish tradition is unequivocal about the prohibitions associated with Avodah Zara (pagan, idol or, more literally, strange worship). Second, the overwhelming majority of traditional decisors, including and especially Maimonides, classify Christianity as idolatry, not only or merely because of the possible presence of icons in a church, but also because of the doctrine of incarnation. Third, I am unsure how a non-Orthodox rabbi may add to the discussion, as the inquirer self-identifies as Orthodox.
If that be the case, then, the first and most important response, no matter how many opinions be solicited, is listen to your Rabbi.
That said, the heart of the challenge may reside in whether Christianity falls within the rubric of Avodah Zara, and if so, are there any circumstances in which one who accepts halachic discipline may ever enter a church building.
As to the former, the Meiri (a late 13th early 14th century scholar) provide support for those in our community who consider Christianity an authentic expression of monotheism, which would remove some aspect of prohibition. By the way, for Christianity itself, the “mystery of the Trinity” is a way for it to explain God’s unity. That I find no necessity for that doctrine, and may view it differently or dismissively is equivalent to one of the least positive aspects of judgments about others. We know our experience as insiders and do not/cannot understand the other’s with the same intimacy or clarity. Our conclusion may be sound for us, but it bears no relevance to the other’s experience. To wit, Christianity’s self understanding is one that embraces God’s unity, and as our people have been victims of lots of harsh stereotypes by outsiders claiming to know more about our tradition’s teachings than we, I am confident and comfortable with their assertion.
Additionally, and even though my own position is more permissive, there are some contemporary traditional colleagues who permit Jews access to churches as long as the encounter is not part of a worship experience. Examples include for educational purposes and voting, or, as in this instance, to view art.
Had I voice or vote, I’d say go for it, but I’d also say, even more clearly, you must discuss with your Rabbi first.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: What is G-d's gender? in the prayer books and the Tanakh (bible) it says He, Him, and His? [JVO Kids: 4-6]
As usual, a young person asks a question that is both awesomely interesting and incredibly difficult. Nonetheless, I shall attempt an intelligible, even if inadequate response.
No matter our particular notions or descriptions about deity, I am convinced Judaism insists that we are obligated to take ideas about G-d very seriously and, equally, critically. So much so, in fact, that our tradition recognizes that anything we say, in whatever language we may say it, is simply insufficient to describe what we mean. Simply put, G-d is greater than language.
To be more specific, the masculine pronoun is an expression we may use. It is a function of and reveals the limits of language and not a description of G-d at all. In fact, many people try to avoid masculine or feminine in any discussion about or in addressing deity. They believe gender neutral language provides a more honest way of saying that which is more than we can ever say with any precision. I mean to suggest, then, that G-d is more than a he, a she or both, and our tradition embraces the notion that G-d is more than any language may ever hope to describe.\
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Rabbi, I live in a small area without many Jews. When I am traveling for sports, is my only option for food a cold salad? Is there a priority for the laws of Kashrut? [JVO Kids: 4-6]
This is such a wonderful and difficult question, and your decision really depends on what you decide as your defintion of kashrut and the reason you wish to observe it. You need to determine if this is sometyhing you want/need to do as a choice (the heart of liberal Judaism) or because you understand the matter as an obligation (the traditional approach).
For example, I know many people (including me) who "keep kosher,"or at least a version of it, not because they believe all Jews must do so, rather they see it as an important way to connect with our history and to express a sense of holiness, even in the most basic of human behaviors, like how and what we eat. As example and with those convictions in mind, I eat fish out, something a traditional Jew likely would judge as wrong.
I think your notion to try to observe the mitzvah is worth applauding, and the decision about eating only salad when out may respond to your own sense of discipline, even if the dressing or utensils or ingredients may be viewed as compromised (trefe) by some authorities.
Bottom line, perhaps the wisdom of one of my teachers may be helpful. "Do as much as yöu can and then do a little more."
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: If Adam and Eve didn't have any girls, who did, or who had the next generation? [JVO Kids: 4-6]
This is a great question, and there is a great deal of midrash (commentary by our sages about the matter). For my response, let me suggest that the stories in Torah do not need to be understood as historically accurate in order for us to take them seriously, meaningfully. Great stories may not always be factual in order to contain and convey great, profound truths.
Our tradition never thinks taking the text only literally – at face value – is sufficient to understand the meaning(s) found in these sacred tales. Just two examples that are connected to the question: at the beginning of the Torah, why, the sages inquire, was only one human being created? To teach us that no person may say my origins are greater than another’s. Or, similarly, why was one person created? To teach you that whoever destroys one life destroys an entire world; whoever saves one life saves the entire world.
Simply stated, life lessons (ones we still need to embrace and do) more than historical facts are the living heart of our Torah.
Thanks again for the question and for the chance to respond.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: My father was Jewish. I am married to a Jewish man. My children were raised in a very Conservative Jewish way, and have married into almost Orthodox families. I consider myself a Jew. Where can I convert to be accepted as fully Jewish in ALL Jewish communities?
The query above is something of a "no-brainer" even as it raises some of the most contentious matters in contemporary Jewish life. The simple response to the questioner’s direct inquiry is “No.”
To elaborate, were the individual to convert under Reform auspices, the following is the likely outcome: all Reform authorities and institutions would recognize the conversion as an authentic initiation into Jewish life. Depending on the ritual involved in conversion, many Conservative authorities would accept the person as fully Jewish, and no Orthodox authorities would acknowledge the conversion as valid.
Assuming a conversion takes place within a Conservative setting, it is my understanding that all Reform and practically all Conservative authorities would recognize the conversion, and no Orthodox ones would do similarly. Should the person convert in the Orthodox community, while all Reform and Conservative leaders would accept the conversion, such would not necessarily confer universal acceptance in the Orthodox world, as the matter of whose conversions will receive universal recognition in the Orthodox camp is filled with controversy.
In short the questioner simply must consult with her "home" Rabbi for guidance, and while her goal of full recognition likely is not attainable, it may be the case – depending on her choices and commitment about observance – that a path exists that will result in a conversion viewed by the community or communities she identifies with as authentic and binding.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Reading your website concerning cremation, it appears the more liberal sects in Judaism discourage it, but tolerate the wishes of those who choose it, while the more observant or strict sects absolutely discourage or prohibit it, on various grounds.
My thought was that cremation would be a way to be in solidarity with those who died in the WWII ovens, 9/11 and so forth, that their death circumstance was not a dishonor to them. A cremation, in my view, would dignify their situation. I do understand that the circumstance was not their choice, but nonetheless, it is their factual situation.
Also, cremation would solve a problem for me personally. I'm a widow with two spouses buried in two states. Having two cremation urns would allow me to spend eternity with my two basherts, which would save me from making a choice of whom to be buried near.
Any thoughts? Given what I read on your site about what Judaism says, is there any leeway? What Jewish values might help me to decide this issue, and resolve my problem concerning choosing which husband I should be buried with?
The content of this query raises several vital matters, albeit this attenuated format does not permit the fullest exploration of the issues and the emotions involved. In short, I urge you to initiate conversation on these questions with closest family and – it wouldn't hurt – with a Rabbi or Cantor too. And I acknowledge, as one who embraces autonomy in decision-making, that I would be able to support your decisions, even if they would not be my choices.
Some of the matters to consider: will members of the family be distressed by the choice of cremation? While as a liberal Rabbi, I do participate in memorial services – that is a gathering where a body has been or will be cremated – I am concerned that there is always an echo of the Holocaust, at least for some in attendance. I do not find the notion convincing or compelling that cremation may establish some kind of solidarity with the victims and thereby elevate their deaths. I just don't connect with the concept that embracing a decision they were denied accomplishes something positive for anyone. Indeed, the Nazis' choice to burn Jewish bodies was an effort to deny even that final aspect of our human dignity.
By the way, one may understand the foundation of Jewish tradition's opposition to cremation in recognizing the same logic with its stance vis-à-vis embalming. One artificially slows a natural process; the other artificially accelerates it.
As to where you might choose to be buried, I know of no absolutes in Jewish tradition, other than a reference to the "love of one's youth," that would be determinative.
Bottom line: let your heart (and consultation with loved ones and an advisor) be your guide.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: I have a question concerning sexuality: My wife likes harder sex and other things like that from time to time (but nothing extreme). What to do?
Of the many questions I have been privilege to respond to as a panelist for JVO, certainly this query is likely to evoke a libidinous aspect, maybe even a Yetzer Harah-like desire, at the least to know more. And while it is difficult to discern what the particulars may be (is one person's idea of hard sex another's view of normative?), the question deserves a response, even though we may be missing salient details.
First, Judaism generally has a positive attitude about our physical nature and, more specifically, our sexuality. In fact, an old newspaper cartoon comes to mind. If you are familiar with Hagar the Horrible, two characters are in a tavern. One says to the other, "Is sex a sin?" The response: "I don't know. Is it fun?" With a resounding yes to the question, the final frame's statement has relevance. "Then it must be a sin."
Happily, that approach is far removed from Jewish views on this topic. As to "specifics," if sex in marriage may reach its best expression, then mutuality is key. That means, to the fullest extent possible, treating each other as subjects, as persons and not as objects to be manipulated or used only as an outlet for one's own needs. No doubt, such requires the fullest discussion and caring possible. That may include, at least in a modern context, sharing fantasy, desire, wishes and more with each other, even as that does not require that the couple must act on every whim or impulse. However, the responsibility that seems uppermost in this instance is to care for one’s partner in the fullest way possible. To tend to the needs of one's spouse, including physical needs, is praiseworthy and understood also to be another and important path to holiness.
Nothing in Judaism says no to achieving the fullest expression of intimacy, but everything depends on the couple’s communication skills far more than on the nature of their sex lives.
With that in mind, I would be grateful if the questioner were to offer some follow-up to this initial conversation.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Is there a value to attending daily organized prayer groups (minyans) [quorum of 10] at a synagogue or temple if we don’t feel like we are connecting to structured prayer?
For a Rabbi – please forgive me – this query has echoes of the trick question, when (heaven forbid) did you stop beating your wife? By which I mean a Rabbi would always want folks at the minyan, even as in many communities. There is no shortage of days when a significant amount of scrambling, pleading (dare one say, praying) is required to assemble for community worship.
As to the substance, several responses come to mind.
1.Pirkei Avot points out that a mitzvah not done for its own sake may lead to that desired level of intent (i.e. for its own sake), but not doing at all likely concludes with our not acting, or in this case not worshiping whatsoever.
2. As one with a regular worship life, I am very much aware that there are times when the prayers are only being recited by me, yet being part of a practice means there are times – not always anticipated or expected – when the prayers and the community come together, more precisely, penetrate into and inspire, challenge and grow me. But if I only showed up when I felt like it, I well might never show up at all, and while the community might be poorer for that, I know I'd be poorer because of that. So, even though there are times – even frequent occasions – when I "don't feel like [I am] connecting to structured prayer," I have found that the more I participate in communal worship, the more I need, want, learn from, connect with, value and am inspired by, in and through communal worship. Be it Carnegie Hall or moments of transcendence, the method is still the same. Practice. Practice. Practice.
3. Assuming that clear moments of holiness are rare or never, at least not yet, there is still another argument for attendance at the daily minyan. Namely, your presence makes it possible for others to fulfill their sense of obligation and privilege, something they may not have been able to do without you, and there may come a day when that favor comes back to you many times over.
In brief, keep trying, keep praying and write back again.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: A few months ago, I accidentally discovered that my wife of almost 3 years (the complete love of my life) was having an affair with another man. The circumstances were just horrific.
I was just stunned and devastated to learn all this. I had no idea of my wife's frustrations, and no idea she was someone that was even capable of doing such a thing.
We have been to regular counseling for months now, and even now my wife is still at a loss to completely explain what happened and how it evolved.
Here is my question...
Now, 3-4 months removed from the affair, I am still occasionally dealing with hurt and pain that I may never fully get over 100%.
Nonetheless, I have forgiven my wife and chosen to stay with her. In spite of what occurred, I do love her tremendously. I do believe she is my beshert/soulmate. I am happiest when I'm with her, and I still see my future with her, and I believe that she feels the same way about me.
Tears beyond tears have been cried by both of us, and my wife has expressed an enormous amount of regret, remorse, and an appropriate amount of self-loathing, all of which I judge to be genuine.
At times, she has even suggested attending Shabbat services at our local synagogue to atone and ask G-d for forgiveness.
For sure, I am not fully over what happened, and I may never be fully over it altogether. Likewise, she may never be able to get over the fact that she committed adultery and betrayed and acted against someone she loves. It is a terrible tragedy in both our lives that can never be undone. But I'm pleased to say that my wife and I are currently in a very good place. We are extremely happy with one another and extremely in love. And ironically, the communication which has resulted since the affair (which should have come prior to the affair) has taken our relationship to an even far better place in so many ways than where I perceived it to be prior to the affair.
In short then, I have forgiven my wife.
I hope that she can eventually forgive herself.
Will G-d do the same?
What does Judaism say about this situation?
While I am sorry to be the last to reply to this query, it does allow me to add just a few nuances to the comments of colleagues.
In no particular order:
* Sometimes sinful behavior, as in the case of adultery, is a symptom of difficulty, at least as much as it may be a cause. Consider that possibility as you go forward with your spouse.
* You have offered forgiveness, and I believe you. But please do not confuse forgiveness and "forgetness." One is a conscious effort; the other is not in your control.
* I have no doubt your wife's sincere teshuvah evokes a divine response. Maimonides offers a provocative notion of when we know if we have, in effect, done true repentance. Namely when confronted with similar circumstance, we do not behave in the same way.
* More than divine forgiveness, a substantial challenge for your connection is if/when your spouse will forgive herself. Sometimes that is the hardest work of all.
*The two of you have a choice, even as it seems you have decided to embrace a particular course. For many, adultery represents a shattering breakdown in a relationship, but it is possible that the sacred dimension (the Holy One's presence) for both of you will be found in the determination and hard work to create a breakthrough in your connetion. May all that is sacred be with you on that journey.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Does a funeral arranger (who is in constant contact with the deceased, caskets, etc) remain in a state of permanent uncleanness? Are there certain practices or principles that ought to be observed from a Jewish perspective as regards shaking other people's hands, handling food etc, or is regular washing of the hands acceptable?
Since the category of ritual impurity has minimal currency in liberal Judaism, I must admit to "sneaking a look" at the response of my Orthodox colleague. I could not agree more with his comments. Yet, with or without cause, such rarely stops a rabbi from adding a word or two.
Specifically, my experience confirms that those who tend to the needs of our dead (and do so with devotion and sincerity) are engaged in sacred work that deserves our admiration, not opprobrium. As a congregational rabbi, I have had the responsibility and, yes, the privilege to work with such persons. Those encounters only add to this conviction. Rather than shunning these individuals, we should do all possible to assure that they are acknowledged as genuine mitzvah heroes.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: I am a Jewish woman, as my mother is Jewish. My father is not Jewish. I was raised as a Conservative Jew. I am in a relationship with a modern orthodox man who is a Cohen (a descendant of Aaron, one of the High Priests). We want to marry, but we have been told there are restrictions on him marrying me, because in addition to other restrictions on Cohanim (High Priests), one of the restricted classes of women for Cohanim are those whose fathers are not Jewish. Can you please clarify this for me? Is this true? I have done a lot of reading and I keep seeing the restrictions for widow, divorcee, convert, but not for a Jewish woman whose father was not Jewish. Since my mother is Jewish and Judaism is a matrilineal religion - and I have read in some places Judaism doesn't even recognize the religion of the father - I am Jewish. If it is true that one of the marriage restrictions of the Cohanim is to a woman whose father is not Jewish, can you please advise on what we can do in our situation to marry?
While the Reform movement does not place any such restriction and (I believe) the Conservative movement has a number of responsa that are quite liberal on the question of persons eligible for marriage with a Cohen – principally based on the notion of doubtful ancestry – some years ago in Israel there was a quite controversial case involving a Russian immigrant who was, like you, matrilineally Jewish. She wished to marry a man with the surname Cohen. Initially, the rabbinical court would not sanction the marriage, relying on the notion of a "higher standard for priests."
After protest, including political pressure from the Prime Minister's office, a ruling was issued permitting the couple to marry, but the court insisted the decision was based "under special circumstances and that it does not apply in all cases."
That said, in my view there is no religious obstacle to your marriage. You may find an Orthodox rabbi who will concur. You certainly will find Conservative, Reconstructionist and Reform rabbis who will be delighted to assist you.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Can we apply the lessons learned from the Maccabees in the story of Chanukah (to have courage, to stand up and fight, not to bow to outside pressures) to Israel's current struggle for its rights and independence?
I begin with an assumption – always a risky matter – that the reference in the query to the Maccabees intends to suggest a courageous stand by the few against the many. And while that may be a lesson of the Chanukah story, the historical record includes sufficient nuance and ambiguity to reach a variety of alternative suggestions, parallels, and lessons. I would encourage any respondent to do some of that investigation, for the Maccabees/Hasmoneans are not without their critics and deservedly so.
That matter aside the lessons of history are always complex, often confusing and never simply applied as no two situations ever precisely align. For instance, the Maccabees were dealing from what would universally be considered a position of military weakness whereas, thankfully, Israel is strong, and most observers would conclude, even with the pain that comes with every casualty, she is unlikely to lose any immediate encounter with enemies. Nonetheless, without a substantive change, it may be that time is not on Israel's side. After all, her adversaries need to get only almost as good as she to inflict horrific losses on her citizens. That logic might well indicate that Israel must be strong and bold in taking greater risks for peace as assuredly she has had to take great risks by force of arms to ensure her safety.
As to the matter of outside pressure, one person’s pressure – no matter the particulars – may be another person’s wisdom. The one thing I suspect all may agree on is that the decisions Israel faces are hers to make, and we are blessed to live at a time when a strong, independent and Jewish state has the capacity to do so. May that always and only continue.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: I want to convert but I have a unpredictable schedule.What would you suggest?
Rare is the week in which I don't receive an e-mail, call or visit (no text message inquiry yet, but times being what they are, who knows) requesting information about conversion to Judaism. My suggestions, then, are borne out of no small number of conversations.
Occasionally, individuals will indicate they “want to convert." Often, I'll respond with how do you know that? More positively stated, I welcome any initiative that involves studying Judaism, whether that be in one of our classes or as an independent study or with guided readings. People are welcome to attend services, to participate in the life of the community, etc. But, controversies among the nominations aside, that is not the same matter as choosing to join our people's story through the affirmation of conversion.
Additionally, there is no time constraint, by which I mean one does not have to get the journey finished on some deadline. All of that means I would encourage the questioner to begin or to continue the process by making whatever time available for study, conversation, meeting and connection,. Given the suggested schedule constraints, that journey may be interrupted or distracted, perhaps, never finished – if finished means an official welcome into Jewish life. But this is certainly not a race, and there is no requirement, at least on our part, that someone only reaches a successful conclusion with conversion. Simply put, I encourage the questioners simply to find a place to continue or begin.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: Hello - I'm wondering if there are any laws or guidelines about our obligations to those that help us. I'm familiar with the concepts of tzedakah that refer to charitable acts and methods of giving, but am seeking suggestions or links for appropriate guidelines when one receives or is the one who is assisted. Thanks kindly in advance, Kathryn
I am fascinated by and grateful for this query, especially because I have never considered that there should be any other response to another's kindness than gratitude, appreciation. Additionally, with other questions, even just my first reading (by which I mean before any research), generally evokes some references in our tradition, but my initial interest in Kathryn's inquiry was heightened by an almost stark awareness that I have never thought about this issue as other than self evident before.
So some of my "fresh" thoughts…
1. Consider that the heart of Jewish worship is appreciation. Our form of prayer focuses more on thank you, than it does on please I want/need/have to have. If that be true about our connection with deity, would that not also be the case in our dealings with the images of the divine, namely other people.
2. Consider the story of Pharaoh's cupbearer. After too long, he remembers Joseph's kindness and the result is Joseph's release from prison. Homiletically, if after two years, acknowledging one's debt has that kind of power, what might we with our more immediate opportunity for recognition unleash?
3. Consider Aaron's example. Our tradition portrays him as the ultimate peacemaker, a bridge builder, even between enemies. Again, if a willingness to "stretch" the truth (for such among the methods our sages attribute to Aaron) is praiseworthy in order to bring people into harmony, how much more would be accomplished when we are the recipients of another's kindness, were we to express the fullest gratitude possible.
4. Consider the lesson of Tzedakah. As opposed to the Mark Twain bromide, "I once did that person a favor and he never forgave me," our tradition does suggest some notion of guideline or obligation. This may be captured in the conviction that even those who are sustained by Tzedakah must give Tzedakah. In short, we are all obligated and privileged to "play it forward," to pass it on.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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Question: My girlfriend and I are both in our 40s. We are both divorced and have children, the youngest of which is in high school. I am Jewish (Conservative), and she is non-Jewish. We have known each other for several years, and recently our relationship took a more serious turn, and I have found it difficult to find any resources that speak to this situation. In short, every thing I have read about intermarriage goes very quickly to "the kids." We will not be having children together, so these other resources seem to get very irrelevant very quickly. In addition to any help finding appropriate resources, I would be interested in any type of experiences you have had and what issues came up etc. Thank you all very much.
Few matters are as highly charged for individual Jews and for the larger American Jewish community than the challenge of mixed marriage. Indeed, there is an element of trepidation in my all too brief comments because of the emotional overlays in any conversation about this topic. But why should that stop an inadequate, if not foolhardy response.
To begin, the questioner is correct in that the substantive issues about mixed marriage tend to revolve around children. But that mistakes a focus for its substance. For the "rubber hits the road" around values, beliefs and convictions and how, if at all, differing and significant points of view may live with and love each other.
No doubt, that is why most mixed marriages take place between persons who have marginal connections to their religious nominatives. That said, I would urge the questioner (with his significant other) to consult his Rabbi (or find one) and for them to do similarly with his girlfriend's clergy. Those conversations should be helpful in clarifying what direction this relationship may follow.
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Question: Does Judaism include any aspects to protect against the exploitation of the poor by the wealthy?
Please forgive the late response to this question. I had every intention of filing my few comments on time, but the death of a dear friend and mentor… I trust you understand.
To add to the fine comments of my Orthodox and Conservative colleagues, I would simply applaud and concur in their citations and then hope to add a useful (at least for me) guideline.
Namely, whenever I treat someone as an object, as a thing rather than as a subject, as a sacred reflection of the Holy One then, I suggest, that interaction involves exploitation of the other and a diminishing of the sacred, which is a loss for both of us, and Judaism might insist, for the larger world.
Certainly, employees too often have the experience of being treated as interchangeable parts, as disposable commodities, as things. That is exploitation and it is wrong. But the “thing” is such behavior is not limited to a power relationship of the poor by the wealthy. And while our tradition clearly has much to say about a just society, with a special concern for the most vulnerable among us, it embraces, as well, the notion that all of us deserve the dignity which is our birthright as children of the divine. Hard to do all the time, for sure. Worth doing as much of the time as possible, even more so.
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Question: What is the concept of "ohr lagoyim/le'ohr goyim" [a light to the nations], and how much should it be emphasized as an ultimate purpose of the Jewish nation/people, and/or the Jewish state of Israel? Did the concept exist before the time of the prophets, as an underlying, obvious, goal, or was it something new from those times? Is it something we are supposed to bring about on our own, and work for, or something that will naturally happen through miracles of G-d's will? What are the sources and the different ways of understanding it since the times of the prophets? -thank you! chag pesach sameach/moadeem le'simcha!
While this phrase first appears in Isaiah, the notion is implicit at the very beginning of the Jewish story. Consider the moment at the beginning of Genesis 12 when the Holy One presents a threefold promise to Abraham. Critically, we learn that this (our) people is called Veyay B’racha – to be a blessing!
And that is our lifelong, centuries long commitment, privilege – and I would add – obligation.
Our purpose isn't just to exist. Rather it is to inform, inspire and uplift others, perhaps someday the whole world, to a vision of what is required of all humanity. Whether expressed in the urgency to become "a Kingdom of Priests and a Holy People," or, equally, as a "Light to the Nations," we are commanded to bridge some of the distance between the world as it is and the world as it should be.
By the way, one of the wonderful aspects of all these pronouncements is the absence of a definite article. Not that we are the as in only people who may be a light, but assuredly to be part of the people and purpose of Israel is to understand, embrace and live with the conviction that we must be a light. And even the most casual examination of our world indicates that work, our work is not yet done.
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Question: How can we try to be respectful and understanding of the ultra-Orthodox when they are at the forefront of hostile activities like rioting at places which are open on Shabbat and fairly recently, vandalizing a girls’ school in Bet Shemesh because it bordered their neighborhood?
I have rarely been asked to respond to a question that has greater opportunity to bring forth either a very angry or very sad response than this one. And while we all have feelings – for many, that means very strong feelings – about the incidents referred to in the query, the challenge is never just how does it make us feel. Rather, the moral focus must be what do we do. How do we behave, respond?
And with that, I try to embrace a teaching of Rav Kook. In discussing the sinat chinam (causeless, better ceaseless, even outrageous hatred) that tradition says led to the destruction of the Second Temple, Kook urged that our response must be ahavat chinam (causeless, better ceaseless, even outrageous love).
As the cliché suggests, at the end of the day we cannot determine another's behavior; we may only decide how we shall respond. Let us answer outrage with caring. Let us respond to ugliness with caring, for to answer only in kind means we would embrace the same behaviors we would – and rightly – condemn.
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Question: My husband and I have been married for 19 years. Ten years ago, he was diagnosed with dementia, and more recently Parkinson's disease. Other health issues include heart failure and psychosis. I became a nurse to take care of him, and I gladly and willingly do so everyday. However, I have lost my intimate partner and friend. He is not the same man I married, and have been alone physically and mentally for 10 years.
I have met another man who has been my friend for years. We have strong feelings for each other, though I refuse to leave my husband, as there is no one else to take care of him. If I were to have a relationship with this man, emotional and/or physical, will I be condemned by God as an adulteress?
During my time as a respondent for Jewish Values Online, I have had the opportunity and privilege to respond to a number of queries. I have yet to encounter a question that deserves a more lengthy interaction than this one, albeit the attenuated format makes that impossible. So I urge you please to speak with a trusted spiritual counselor, even if any of the responses you may receive seem (temporarily) to quiet the pain of your situation. That said, a few reflections follow.
One cannot but be moved by the circumstances you describe and by your awesome devotion to a very and variously afflicted husband. The price of such sacrifice must be substantial, and while I would understand were you to pursue a relationship with the "other man," understanding is not the equivalent of approval. Further, I wonder if your posing the question suggests that a real challenge isn't divine judgment as it may be your own conscience.
Thus far and despite horrific circumstances, you have honored the commitment/covenant of marriage. Indeed, your example of devotion is – no less a word fits – inspiring. Covenant means there are behaviors I do even though I may prefer not to and behaviors I don't do even as I might want to. In short were I Ruler of the Universe, I would not condemn you. I would praise and praise even more if you refrain from physical intimacy with another. Further, I would "prescribe" some respite care. You need, have earned and are entitled to time off. Please check with a synagogue and/or social service agency to secure such assistance.
Finally, friendship with another man, companionship with others, even thoughts of physical intimacy are not equal to adultery. If you recall Jimmy Carter's infamous Playboy interview ("I have committed adultery many times in my heart."), Judaism does not view thoughts as equal to behavior. But your behavior is a model of holiness, and, without any willingness or ability to pass judgment, I encourage you to persevere.
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Question: Hello, my name is Gabriela, I am from Argentina. My question is: why G'd created soul mates and then separated them and made them look for each other during their lives? What is the purpose of that? I dont understand.... [How does this fit into Jewish values?]
Thank you.
Gabriela, thank you for the question and for the opportunity to offer a response. Notice I did not say "answer" as Jewish tradition loves the notion conveyed in the phrase Dvar Achar. It means another interpretation – not my right versus your or someone else's wrong one. Rather, this is my interpretation, my response to your query.
I do not believe the notion of a Beshert(a) intends to be presented as a fact. Rather it means to convey a value, a hope and/or experience, one that describes – even if words are insufficient – a genuine soul-filled and enriching connection, one which joins certain persons to us and with us in ways that may only be described as sacred, holy. And while one hopes that connection means the link with one's spouse, I suspect that, even should we remain single, there may be others in our lives to be included in such an embrace of the heart.
In short, I believe you are describing a metaphor as though it were a simple and passive fact or reality. So to speak, somewhere out there is my Prince or Princess. No, our task isn't just to hope for such a one independently to enter our lives, rather it is to make such true by our actions and in our relationships. Hard work, I know, but work very much worth doing.
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Question: We live in Germany (I am American, my husband is German, working for a German airline). After various postings to foreign countries, we are now here permanently with our 12-year-old daughter. We have purchased a piece of property and will be building soon on it. Currently there is an old house on the property, in which many generations of the same family were born and raised, until the remaining elderly owner passed on with no heirs, just 1 year ago. The property reverted to the state, from whom we purchased it.
Before the bulldozers come I would like to:
1. Pay tribute to the almost 100 years this family dwelt in the place. All who enter the old house express that it feels warm and inviting, with an overgrown but lovely garden.
2. Address any Nazi connections which may have existed. There is no indication of this in the deceased's history (I've googled him and asked many neighbors) but he was of that generation.
3. After the old house and yard have been removed and prepared for building, I would also like to bless the property prior to building.
To summarize, I am interested in an appropriate Jewish:
1. dedication
2. acknowledgement of possible misdeeds
3. property blessing
My upbringing was as Conservative Jew in San Diego, later practicing Reform.
I admire the sensitivity of the person submitting these queries to us. In response I would encourage that the questioner likely would benefit by meeting with an equally sensitive Jewish authority in order to explore, explain and clarify the world of shading and nuance in the circumstances described above, as well as how Jewish practice may provide a path forward. Simply put, there is no simple "off-the-shelf" response or ceremony that covers the complexity of the situation.
Further, I want to emphasize that no ritual or blessing provide a formula to exorcise the echo of any evil that may have occurred on the property. That would be to confuse ritual with magic.
As to ritual, you may be familiar with the minhag/custom of beginning new ventures on Tuesday – the twice good day in Jewish lore. In addition, a groundbreaking moment would be an appropriate time for reciting the Shecheyanu prayer, as well as considering some use of Psalms. Examine Psalm 24, 101, 127 and 128.
When the property is ready to be occupied, especially in light of the concerns expressed by the questions, a hanukat habeit (dedication of the home) ceremony would be an invaluable way to recognize the opportunity for holiness in your new abode.
Finally, you may want to consider the custom of leaving a small part of the new building unfinished to serve as a reminder of all that remains unknown about this particular location and the unfinished, even broken nature of our world.
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Question: What is the best, most meaningful way to fulfill the mitzvot of “mishloach manot” (sending portions) and “matanot l’evyonim” (giving to the needy) on Purim?
Friends usually offer a polite chuckle when I suggest that Purim is the "Jewish" Chanukah, by which I mean to point out that gift giving was/is at the heart of the mitzvot associated with the celebration of the Purim holiday. Further, while the two terms in the question have distinct meanings, tradition links them in a ratio that may have special meaning for our (and any) time. In effect, for each gift to a friend or family member, we should make certain to provide double that number, that quantity or value to assist the needy among us.
My own custom is to provide tzedakah in honor of those whom I wish to acknowledge, which, of course, means my friends and family, who have more than enough stuff, have the gift of providing the opportunity by which causes and persons in need will benefit. Chag Purim Sameach!
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Question: What happens at an "unveiling ceremony"? Are there prayers said, and by whom?
[Admin. note: Another related question on unveilings can be found on the JVO website at: http://www.jewishvaluesonline.org/question.php?id=134]
The notion of dedicating a grave marker is relatively new in Jewish life. Most authorities indicate that both the custom and its present form date from the late 19th or early 20th century. Nonetheless, I have read interpretations based on Genesis 35:20 ("Jacob set up a pillar on [Rachel's] grave), which use that text both to demonstrate that the custom of an unveiling is "rooted" in tradition and to suggest it as a model for the custom of placing a stone on the marker as a way of declaring that someone remembers, someone is still connected.
The ceremony itself is quite simple and, importantly, is not meant to be second funeral. At heart it intends to focus on the real monument or memorial, the one indelibly carved on the hearts of loved ones. The gathering is an attempt to recall, as it were, that which is deathless in the person's life, and for us to celebrate those qualities most especially. He or she was and still is a part of who we are and are yet to be.
Back to the ceremony: a few Psalms are often included, even as one may wish to incorporate some special reading, one that was meaningful to the deceased and/or provides a moment of reflection for those who gather. Often there will be some brief remarks by a Rabbi or family member(s). Generally, there is a covering of some kind on the marker, which should be removed by family, usually right before the Memorial Prayer (Kel Maleh). Should a minyan be present, the brief gathering concludes with Kaddish.
For more precise details or to discuss unique circumstances, one should consult a Rabbi or other communal leader.
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Question: How can we truly, practically implement “v’ahavta l’reacha kamocha” (you shall love your fellows as yourself) into our everyday life? It’s one of Judaism’s most famous sayings, yet with small pockets of infighting and hatred among groups of Jews in Israel, it seems to have been forgotten.
Such a grand and challenging query deserves more than this, by necessity, brief response. Nonetheless, I would point out that if things were obvious and easy, there would be little reason for the Torah to comment. So in this instance, it isn’t easy to love the other and, equally, it isn't easy to love self. The only real measure is in what direction we are moving – to become bitter or better. And while there has been no shortage of ugliness in the disputes of Jewish life, I would love to offer two suggestions. First, even arguments may demonstrate a genuine concern, a love for the other. Indeed may more of our disputations be for the sake of heaven. Second, I recall a suggestion attributed to the awesome Rav Kook. His teaching urges that the best response to "causeless hatred" (often cited as the central factor in the destruction of the 2nd Temple) is "causeless love." In short, whatever the dispute and wherever we may be in that argument, may love inform our contributions. In such ways, we may learn from, grow with and, yes, love one another.
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Question: Kosher is kosher. But is there a moral or ethical problem with eating a kosher food that very closely resembles a non-kosher food? What about the issue of “marat ayin?”
The Talmud describes a remarkable episode in the life of Hillel, when he seems not to recall what a particular practice is or should be. His response (Pesachim 66A) seems of the moment. "Leave it to Israel; if they are not prophets, they are the children of prophets."
Applying this insight to the query suggests that the Jewish people have decided that “marat ayin” (how things may look to others) does not trump the opportunity to enhance the kosher food experience.
For example, I just returned from Israel to Chicago with a Jewish United Fund (our Federation) sponsored mission for area rabbis. The group consisted of colleagues from all the streams of American Jewish life. Our time in Israel included an extensive, of course kosher (and expensive) Shabbat fleischig dinner at our hotel. The experience was enhanced – as well our waistlines – with a rich variety of desserts, many of which were imitations of well-known dairy treats, including mousse, cakes, pastries and, yes, even ersatz "ice cream."
Presumably the oneg of Shabbat overrode the consideration of appearances, which could to someone unaware be deceiving. But we knew it wasn't dairy and, by all accounts, that was sufficient.
Simply put, enhancing the mitzvah seems – appropriately, I might add – to override the question of suspicion. So to speak, in this instance, even Caesar's wife finally gets a break.
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Question: My three Reform Jewish children have each married non-Jews. Each of them are raising their children as Jews. What is the best practice with respect to Christmas trees in their homes?
[Administrator's Note: A question on this topic arises periodically, particularly in the December timeframe (for obvious reasons). For related responses that may offer additional information, please see other questions on the JVO website that address this topic.]
[As aside, the liberal movement in Judaism calls itself Reform. There is no "ed." The distinction means to describe a process of continuity and change rather than only an event in the past – like the Dutch Reformed Church, which is a reference to a specific moment in history (in that case, the Protestant Reformation).]
[Administrator's note: I have edited the question to make the change from 'Reformed' to 'Reform'.]
With regard to the specific question, I suggest "least worse" response rather than best practice may be a more realistic way to address the query. Further, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this challenge. As opposed to my suggestions, the level of observance, if any, by the adults of the home is the critical, if missing factor in a family decision. And while the questioner indicates grandchildren are being raised as Jews, that is not always the case. Sometimes, and I would add with all the prejudice of an advocate for Judaism, that is true, but there are circumstances in which people determine to have their children immersed in the limbo of neither and/or both traditions.
In the circumstance above, best practice would mean only one tradition in the home, which obviously suggests there is no room for a tree. If, however, there is to be a Christmas aspect present at all, I would urge a scenario in which the Jewish parent and child mark Chanukah as the non-Jewish spouse helps them, even as they assist the non-Jewish partner mark his or her holiday with a clear understanding that this is the way we help that person with their commemoration, but it is not our sacred time. As analogy, going to a friend's birthday party is one of life's important lessons. The gifts aren't for me, but I am there to help my friend celebrate a milestone. In short, the effort is to teach lessons of respect, caring and difference. Something does not always have to be mine in order to appreciate it or to assist others in their celebration. That approach may minimize the potential danger of a parent feeling like a stranger in their own home. In a mixed marriage setting, at least as I have seen it, the tree, if any, is a very small addendum to the dominant Chanukah spirit of the home.
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Question: Please can you help me understand the modern meaning of the word 'chayav' (to be guilty of a transgression / to owe someone something) and give examples. Can you tell me whether such a word appears in the Tanakh (Bible)?
While I am not aware of the word CHAYAV appearing in Tanakh (BTW, it's a Talmudic term whose normative meaning is obligated or liable), the concept of obligation and/or responsibility most assuredly is present throughout Jewish literature and, more importantly, Jewish behavior.
The word is implicitly and intimately linked to the notion of covenant, the conviction and condition which we understand connects our people with deity, for the/our covenant describes, so to speak, a contract which imposes or requires certain norms, behaviors and, yes, restrictions. By way of analogy, I have a covenant with my spouse. Because of that commitment, there are certain things – whether I wish to or not – that I should, or must do and certain things that, were I to do so, would harm or, heaven forbid, break the connection.
In fact, the notion of obligation provides a valuable contrast to so much of what passes as the American perspective. To paraphrase Abraham Joshua Heschel's insight, American life is based on the triad of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. He compares that to Judaism's offering an alternative vision of life, liberty and the pursuit of mitzvot (commandments, meaning obligations). So I do or do not do specific behaviors not necessarily because I want to, rather because I understand a commanding voice, a sense of CHIYUV, obliging me to respond, to engage, to do more that I thought required with the result, perhaps, to become more of the person I am meant to be.
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Question: What does Jewish law say about respecting the Law of the
Land? Can one jaywalk, drive over the speed limit or cheat on taxes and still be religious?
We are all works in progress, and with that in mind, the determinative phrase in the question above becomes "and still be religious?" For if the only pious people are those who have attained perfection, then we are all doomed. Otherwise, we describe a world in which the only people who need religion are people who don't need religion. Not only would I then be "out of business," but also and more seriously, there would be no room in the category of religious for me as I, too, fall short of perfection.
Further, Jewish sources suggest laws should not impose an undue burden, which may be a factor in an often casual attitude to some of the statutes in the query. We also are instructed that immoral laws may be, even more precisely, should be defied. But that is clearly not suggested in the examples above. Whether one jaywalks or relies on the proverbial "10 mph grace speed limit," our behaviors likely suggest we are yet to be models of excellence, but we are certainly able to "still be religious."
A suggestion which I am exceedingly fond of and challenged by comes to mind. What is the definition of a good Jew? Answer: A good Jew is someone who wants to be a better Jew.
And while I see no justification whatsoever for cheating on one's taxes, I leave it to the individual to determine how the other behaviors in the question may impact the effort to be a better Jew.
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Question: I know many friends—honest, God-fearing people—who have no problem “stealing” entertainment in the form of illegal downloads. Why have we let our attitude toward this kind of theft become so permissive? Can we stop it? Should we? Or, as many people claim, since they wouldn’t have paid for the show/music in the first place, it’s not like anyone lost money on their download. What is right? What is the Jewish view?
As part of my response, it seems appropriate to acknowledge a prejudice I may bring to the query. In fact, were I responsible to adjudicate this matter in any formal way, the only ethical decision would be to recuse myself. Specifically, I have a family member whose field of legal expertise focuses on "protecting" (with or without quotation marks) intellectual property from unwarranted use, including stealing. That said, I also inquired of younger family members, who, it seems, have a greater familiarity with and acceptance of the behavior at the heart of the question.
Nonetheless, there is no shortage of Jewish sources on what we should or should not do in the above matter. Consider that tradition challenges us with Dina D’malchuta Dina (the law of the land is the law), which of course means that unless a strong ethical case may be made against a particular statute, we have an obligation to abide by it. Additionally, in what seems a clear analogy to this situation, the Torah instructs that we are not to withhold wages from a laborer, which this action clearly does. Further, especially in light of an always slippery slope, the rationale that everyone is doing it might well mean an end to movies and music, at least as we know them. That result would impoverish us all.
One additional reflection: Judaism has a stirring and wonderful notion called Livnim Meshurat Hadin, which I shall translate/interpret as doing more than is required. We are called to set an example. So to speak, all rationales for this behavior, even though one may get away with it, fall short in light of the urgency to embrace, if not set a higher standard.
In short, pay the fee or let it be.
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Question: Is it wrong to look for the “what’s in it for me” aspect of Torah observance? After all, God Himself gave the Jews selfish reasons to follow His Torah. Why shouldn’t I base my observance on what I enjoy or find meaningful?
There is nothing I do for which I know all the reasons I may do it. That means that even when I may be engaged in what appears to be completely altruistic behavior, it likely will include at least a touch of the pragmatic, an element of what's in this for me. And while I would love to imagine I'm free from the "taint" of reward, there is a part of most of us that seems unable fully to eliminate a certain (forgive me) Santa Claus view of deity and our concern for any divine naughty or nice list. Curiously, the famous song does end with a coda on point for this discussion. "So be good for goodness sake," in addition to being the only honest line in the song, implies that the reward for our good conduct – unlike the presents/bribes or punishments the song describes – is principally, were it only so, our growth in self and soul. But religion in general and Judaism in particular are not only for those who live exclusively in the rarefied heights of pure motives. No matter our age or stage, what's in it for me will likely intrude, at least occasionally. No doubt that is why, especially from a perspective that includes personal autonomy in decision-making, the tradition's reminder seems of the moment. Mitoch shelo lishma ba lishma. It may be translated or interpreted as "doing something good for the ‘wrong or ulterior’ motive may eventually lead to doing it for the right reason” (literally, for its own sake). Similarly, the Jewish people's response at Mount Sinai, na’aseh v’nishma (we shall do and we shall hear or understand). Or as Nike urges, "Just do it."
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Question: The rabbi of our synagogue is always exhorting the members to come to services. Come for selichot, for shacharit every morning, for mincha/maariv on Shabbat afternoon. Honestly, I’m busy, I have work and family, and I don’t find prayer services particularly meaningful. Why should I go to shul? What’s in it for me?
No doubt, prayer and worship are difficult activities for many of us. Without practice, it is difficult to acquire either skill or understanding for the activity. That is highlighted especially in the framing of this query. "What's in it for me?" I "pray" the inquirer will forgive me, but this is such an American perspective on so many activities and/or skills that don't seem to have a practical application. The language suggests that we are consumers of Judaism rather than its practitioners. As opposed to what one may get from attendance at services (by the way, I think regular participation does have substantial benefit for our growth in spirit and character), I would prefer the focus be on what a person may bring, share or give to those who assemble with us. As a friend once suggested to another congregant, "I come to synagogue because you are here." I understand that to mean that we help create a community, enrich other lives and in so doing grow our selves and souls. One other thought: try another Shul.
Rabbi Michael Zedek
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